At the VALU VILLAGE, looking at books. These are written for somebody, for a function, but not for me, not at me.

I like the feeling of engaging with a thing that has a function.

next id like to make something like the black company, like the game that rips from the black company (battle brothers?) but with more secrets in the recruits, people who carry hidden powers, hidden traumas

maybe that's a little Darkest Dungeon-y, i dunno

my old idea about secret levels of confidence that affect how likely a character's reports for success are true

This calls for a Kinopio. I need to understand how these things connect, so that I can understand how I feel about them.

Sylvie writes.

> Once a common language of patterns is established, designers can speak by subverting them. But they can also speak by building on them, and combining them in novel or idiosyncratic ways.

> One way for the designer to speak is to establish a pattern themselves, then subvert it. But designers can also subvert patterns that were established outside the game . . .

> . . . the designer initiates the dialogue with the player. They present their game to the player and wait for a response.

> My reason for writing this article is to better understand the mechanics of the dialogue - the ways in which designers and players speak.

> What do you want to share with the player?

> . . . the journeys you invite players on, and your beautiful constructions are used to reveal things about yourself instead of the game systems.

> "One Clever Mechanic" games often feel to me like they speak in a stiff and dry manner, almost more like a lecture than a dialogue, while "Anarchic Maximalism" games are wild and chaotic, like a conversation that runs off into new tangents every few sentences.

> Subverting patterns gives the designer a presence

> . . . a conversation instead of a call-and-response . . .

> . . . the designer can try to predict how the player's headspace evolves through the game. And if this process keeps the player engaged, they learn more and more about the designer's fixations, and begin to decide whether they share the designer's feelings.

Quote from Shadow Games (The Black Company)

I am not interested in understanding why Glen Cook wrote this passage, as in, why he wrote it as an artist, but I am interested in resonating with why Glen Cook wrote this passage, as in, how it came out of him as a human being, how he learned to illuminate such a part of himself, as well as how such a part of himself resonated with me, and how such illumination inspires me.

I do not read The Black Company to understand Glen Cook, but through reading it I feel a connection to another person. I read The Black Company to feel connected, which is part of what Sylvie writes here.

But not the whole part, and this non-wholeness is the beginning of where I feel disconnected from the idea of art as communication. . .

Through the course of my life, I have come upon a total stranger's diary, which I have read several times over and no longer possess. I will never meet its owner. This is the diary of someone so unlike myself, and yet it illuminates my sense of humanity more than most things I have ever read. I feel deeply conflicted about the role of art. Art must present itself in order to be seen. And yet I find that the most resonant art is often that which is not presented, which is not designed to be seen, which is not thought of as public, which is not shared easily.

This is a great and painful paradox, this paradox lies at the root of this space I've created for myself, this newforum -- it lies at the root of droqever, which is a site I hesitate to share, or to share broadly. It is just discoverable enough that it is indeed discoverable, but not so discoverable that I cease to treat it like a diary, like an extension of my self. I use my newforum, I use droqever, these are things which I maintain for my own purposes.

I just leave the door a crack open.

A trick of the mind.

I am rereading The Black Company, this time on my devices -- my phones and my tablets. I was struck today by this passage.

Quote from: Shadow Games, p40. . . The staff came to enquire after my needs. They were revolting in their obsequiousness.
   A disgusting little part of me gobbled it up. A part just big enough to show why some men lust after power. But not for me, thank you. I am too lazy. And I am, I fear, the unfortunate victim of a sense of responsibility. Put me in charge and I try to accomplish the ends to which the office was allegedly created. I guess I suffer from an impoverishment of the sociopathic spirit necessary to go big time.

I must go and reflect upon this passage in my response to Sylvie's Ways of Speaking.

"interesting decisions," eh?

last night i was tiiiired. i thought maybe i was done droqevering.
now i think i need to make a new databug, stop making poems, but it was nice to focus on vibe while it lasted

April 13
had a dream about basketball.
thinking about systems, small choices within systems, expressive systems with wrong choices that are right sometimes
wrong choices that are right sometimes, and you find yourself understanding when to make those off-the-wall choices

I've barely started today's game, and I'm lying in bed relaxing, or trying to relax. Maybe I want to write.