i played a character named richard wingfield in a tabletop game that spanned this entire year - from sometime in january, i think, to december.

i'm sad that the game is over but more than that i'm appreciative and reflective of this entity that existed for a significant portion of my life, and to my friends (some very new friends!) who played in it as well as my great friend who ran the game, and who talked with me about how it was constructed and run.

over the course of the pandemic i lost touch with losing touch with control. i am thinking about the lens of "party planning" because a party is an inherently chaotic affair, suggesting too many people to individually keep track of, and a level of energy and a timeframe that is likewise not possible to completely control.

when cruel world came out, it immediately left my hands. zeigfreid wrote, "Cruel World hasn't fallen apart in the ways droqen expected. I rather think it has settled into a more pleasing shape. This game would be worse if there were not a list of names at each checkpoint. Thank you, BERV, for inscribing your name where you did. You have made the world a richer place. You have given it texture."

it escaped me and i felt as though it was important to reassert control, suggesting that i ever had it in the first place. but you don't throw a great party by adhering to itinerary, to intent, to design.

welcome to the primordial soup of party planning, i may never continue this thread, and it feels incomplete and impossible to quite express, but here i record the birth of this thought, this creature in my mind.

"Preparation without Expectation"