There's a feeling I'm interested in chasing down. Kat begins with an anecdote regarding an exec's flawed perspective on black women and horror movies. Throughout the transcript, Kat writes about the white male identity's centrality to games.

Quotethe "games are for dudes" dudes

Oh, there's youth, too! The age bracket:

Quotepeople other than 15–25 year old dudes

Quoteconventional mostly white mostly male mostly young gamers

I have a feeling of... alienation. I don't think it's a unique kind of alienation. I suppose that everyone who experiences the effects of being stereotyped, of being lumped in with a group, of being misunderstood in general, must feel this alienation.

I am only half-white, but I was a 15-25 year old dude (I am now 32) and the direction of discourse that points the finger at white guys, young white guys, has always left me feeling... not confused, but... well, helpless? It isn't that I want to fight on behalf of all young white guys, but what do you do when someone -- not even someone but like, almost everyone you know -- is telling you that the group that you happen to belong to is, for lack of a better term, bad? Especially irredeemably bad? Systemically bad, which is to say that nothing one does as an individual can ever hope to make a difference?

I do not give a shit about young white guys as a group! But I like people. I do not really care about any such assigned groups. The buckets are too big. My loose theory is that the caring, smart people of the internet fall into the trap of using the buckets because it makes it easier to deal with the disgusting, upsetting massiveness of the internet. There are just too many people to care about them all, so that you can only care about buckets anymore.

QuoteA survey that asks you four times how much you enjoy being challenged mechanically, and not once how much you enjoy being challenged emotionally.

:(

Kat goes on to say the problem is the ouroboros... the demographic ouroboros that has been discussed throughout this section. Bias has a positive feedback loop.

QuoteAnd that's how you end up with a survey that contains five questions about how much you love munching loot and collecting knick knacks and cheevos, and not a single question about how much you delight in inhabiting someone else's unique artistic vision.

ouch. So, because I was invited to do so, I re-took the quantic foundry test. It was actually pretty fascinating to see the results -- I expected my results to be very different from my results from years ago.

I believe I took the test in 2016, based on the games I chose as my 'favourites'. It's now 2024, eight years later.

Here's the results.

2016
2024

I really truly fully expected a massive shift. And there was a change... I went from ACROBAT/BARD to BARD/ACROBAT. My 'community' motivation went up a bit. My 'mastery' motivation went down a bit. But really... very little changed. I've remained relatively consistent.

Anyway, I too noticed a lot of questions about things pretty specific to Gamer Identities and not many useful for understanding my enjoyment of other tastes.

I expect it's hard to get something like this right. Taste can be recursively, fractally, complicated. There is no end. There is a resolution problem, if you will.

alright, on with it.

a brief aside. my mom sent me an hour long video by someone talking about personal finance because, i think, she worries about me and my personal finances. haha. anyway, the speaker seemed like not a total scam artist and so i said cool and asked, has he written anything?

she said no. "he prefers to speak," she said, to which i responded, "darn. i prefer to read."

...

i watched Pixel a Day's video 'Starseed Pilgrim and The Void' a while back and really enjoyed it, for reasons that i tried to tell myself were not wholly fueled by ego. here is another video that i think is along the same vein, and i was about to watch it, when what do you know -- i stumbled upon a transcript! an official transcript.

a transcript of a video is not the same as a nice chunky tome or even an essay and i understand that by reading a transcript i am not receiving the full effect of the video. i am missing things, for sure. but as i said to my mom.

i prefer to read.

thanks, kat, for publishing the transcript. i appreciate it.

I ought give the system NO REGARD. It was loose supporting structure that I tried to fill rather than... well, rather than what? Make an interaction with your generals without a hard system to back it up? That doesn't sound so bad. I should have simply designed the bridge without the war.

Lack of movement, freedom of movement... being a tourist. Every room, or every haiku, full of further secrets, nested. My unreleased "golden grape" game has a beginning and an end. I'd like to do away with that...

What I mean is that my impulse, developing it further, is to put something in between the player and reaching the end. Subversions, diversions, distractions, all. I can't tell how I feel about the trees. But I feel something about them. I think: I could add another system. The roots, you could attack the roots to kill the trees on the surface.

Maybe my negative present emotion is not at all about the trees but about the second game I made, the attempt to build an ultimately RTS-like system. I don't know any of the implications of this system. I wish I had a name for this bad feeling. Designing a system doesn't feel bad all the time, but there's something about this one that does. There's no input, no play.

hmm. a thought i return to time & again.

being noticeably against something is less interesting to me than giving it no regard, leaving it be.

to think of the self as one of these things, in a work. to find the center between caring and uncaring...