I had an interview for a job I wanted, and I met a couple people over Zoom, and in that moment, I knew I was being judged to some degree. The emotions in that moment were like those in a game of Mafia (http://newforum.droqen.com/index.php?topic=57.0). Afterwards, even though I had the feeling I'd botched it a bit (I was nervous, and also I'm still not sure I have enough of the relevant experience to be considered a real candidate), i revelled in this lingering adrenaline rush.
It made me think about the way daredevils jump off buildings to feel that thrill: do I relish that feeling in social interactions? That same thrill is present when entering an unknown, but important, social environment.
Perhaps I get the same thrill out of designing & then publicly releasing super weird videogames -- they are like dares for others to judge them, and to some degree, me by extension.
I'll think more on this sometime.
I would like to be clear that I also happen to like the other side of provocative art: it's not just about my enjoyment of releasing it, although that's highly beneficial to know.
I also like its effects. Engaging with something that pushes at my opinions, makes me think about my judgement, is highly valuable to me.