what do i want. what has always guided my actions. what are my principles. i have them, here they are, transcribed from my ipad-notebook. maybe i don't always feel this way, i definitely have bad days, but on good days, when i have all the energy and hope in the world...

DO I EVEN
CARE ABOUT
"ENJOYING
MY LIFE"?

I WANT
  - TO BE SEEN, RESPECTED,    <3
     ADMIRED BY OTHERS
& especially by those i respect
and admire in turn
  - TO ALWAYS DO MY
     BEST; TO DO GOOD;
     TO HELP PEOPLE
money is fake;
emotions
are real.
kill gameplay,
 help people for real.
  - TO KEEP EXPLORING,
     MAKING DISCOVERIES
(the sheer joy-of-life)
    - TO LET NOTHING, EVER,
       GET IN THE WAY OF ANY
       OF THIS.

The quiet era approaches. Let such a dream of focus settle upon my shoulders. Eyes closed. Who is touching the back of my hand? Whose hand am I holding?

I want to be reborn.

how to focus my intentions each day and not put things off?

FACE THE SCARY THING THAT IS BLOCKING YOU.

not good. more to come, but let's think about this in the artistic sense rather than the games sense.

I showed The End of Gameplay to Eric & Milong and while Eric and I spoke in depth especially about the emotional resonance of the work, Milong (who had only played an earlier version) noted that the art style made her feel as though the negative emotions were not as accessible to her as the positive ones. This was more of a hypothesis than something she had tested, but I have been thinking about it.

oops, let's start (appropriately?) with meta:

i think it's interesting... i just noticed that in my 'On art' section i have Close Reading, and Reviews & reflections, as separate sections but they are perhaps identical - they are the very same thing, but with different levels of openness and engagement.

and different expectations! a 'close reading' as i suppose i imagine it (i don't really have experience with doing 'close readings' of anything, i just used the phrase) is looking closely at the thing and working at every detail to discover, what was meant, or what can i uncover for myself?

on the other hand a 'reflection' or certainly a 'review' of a work involves more judgement, what do i think, and is it any good?

and you can see, or i can see, that most of the r&r threads are about games, while most of the CR threads are about things that aren't.

.
knife for its scalpel
a weapon for a tool
gameplay's hand
 on gameplay's knife.

let it go i besought
put it down
.

[AB]

[AB]

it's not that hard
you know, you know
how to be a person

metric: AVERAGE 6 MINUTE PLAY TIME IS GOOD, 10 IS AMAZING
-- let it guide your choices, but don't play the metric

what do i naturally gravitate towards.
10 goals
i think of tens. 1, 3, 10 -- what a nice progression that makes.
it ends at 10.

static but interacting.
i like objects that are static, but interacting. they shouldn't move around too much, but their position should hold great meaning.

a little guy.
you should control a little guy.
nothing feels better than controlling a little guy.
being a little living pixel creature in a little living pixel world.
the world: static, but interacting. a lot of LOOTBNDT's games (mockups?) look/feel that way.

static but interacting.

what is the arbitrary beauty... you should have a goal in sight. it's achievable but distant. 1, 3, 10. you can imagine getting there, but you can also imagine not getting there. ambiguity. that ambiguity.

when you press a button something immediately happens and it's meaningful, very meaningful.

that's movement. it doesn't have to be a jump button, but it does have to be a transformative button, a pregnant button, a button full of energy. you're not afraid to press the button but you're a little afraid to press the button. you don't want to press it all of the time but you also don't mind pressing it when the mood strikes.

you should always want to press the button but there should also be a reason to control yourself. press the button, but don't give in. the button is tantalizing.

if gameplay dies and makes its way home
to where does gameplay go?
living or dead where gameplay's soul flies
to sages in valleys, to gardens and wells,
to bottomless oceans clipped blue,

Re: Paulo Coelho's
"The Archer"

recommended to me personally by Lena G

[AB]