edit :: ah yes, the other important thing
is that everyone is doing this all of the
time. what's meaningful to someone
else isn't unmeaningful to me because
it's unmeaningful. i think this is the mis-
understanding that underlies kill game-
play: it ceased being a useful site of ex-
ploration for me personally. gameplay
(forever) and a way to dance all alone
both served as strong evidence of that
for me.

i must kill gameplay because its essen-
tial function for me is to be devoid of
meaning.

but the larger picture is that gameplay
once meant something to me and i feel
sympathetic vibrations with whom it
still means something.

being near that makes me want to keep
searching. i cannot say that there would
be no point to continuing to search --
that's what makes it a search! i don't
know for sure what i'll find.

but each time i draw from the well of
gameplay i come up wanting. i have a
thousand invisible arms but gameplay's
wells alone number in the trillions if
they are even countable.

kill gameplay.

a simpler way to say what i am trying to
say is that i am holding, returning to, re-
affirming, my belief that others' pursuits
of meaning have little to do with mine--
not because mine is special, but purely
because of some unbridgeable gap that
separates us in our different towers.

"No one ever learns except
through their own activity
and there is, strictly speak-
ing, no such art as teach-
ing, only the art of helping
people to learn."

i am yet to completely resolve these
conflicts in my mind, but at times i do
wish that i could be there with some-
one inside, be the same person, and
help. with this hope my mind produces
a seductive and beautiful illusion that it
is in principle even possible to do such
a thing.

it is not. we live in different towers and
must regard only the stony outsides as
shining.

i must pursue my own meaning.

i left some discord communities, shedding
silken layers. i couldn't explain why at the
time.

wondering, i played gate's SUPER FLUID
HYPER FLOW! and while navigating be-
tween orbs i recognized what it was that i
was doing:

others had achieved their high scores and     (thus, i reasoned)
through such devotion expressed a sense
that the thing had meaning to them, and i
wanted to find that meaning, too, taste it
for myself. my high scores in SHHF! aren't
anything special, they're much lower, and
i thought: maybe there's something here
i'm not yet touching -- reaching -- getting
-- tasting -- meaning if meaning is a verb.

maybe everyone is searching. in any case      (maybe everyone is just searching)
what i came to recognize was this habit of
looking for meaning in the same place that
others had already found it. a reliable kind
of meaning.

the term "self-effacing end" came into my
vocabulary recently, regarding pleasure, &
play. i think it could also describe meaning.
my pursuit fails because i am searching for
meaning based on evidence of meaning,
rather than submitting myself to whatever
sense that is actually capable of sensing
and finding that ephemeral unquality, un-
and ephemeral like beauty.

     A simple videogame structure to
construct: produce, according to some
algorithm or principle, a large state
space; and add or subtract to this space
by means of altering this algorithm or
principle (usually 'code' or 'rules').

when i play a game like this
the effect is quite intoxicating
and likewise making is thrilling
and surprising and frustrating.
as brlka writes,

QuoteI love avoiders because they're easy to
make, but still meaty and engaging to
design and play. They're the closest I've
found to a gamedev equivalent of
sketches - a piece you can bang out in an
afternoon that might end up being one
of your favorite things you've made,
something I've always loved about
making music.

there is an effect that making and playing games that are composed of
this structure has on me, which is that it takes me further away from
intentionality, and i start to lose touch with something that i love about
making things at all.

do i have control over my mind or what it outputs? this is arguable, and
the question may not even be sensible. however, there is a difference in
kind between a process of creating something and a process of coming
to love and appreciate something.

the structureless object that i discover does not reveal to me anything
about my mind or my thought processes. i do not wonder, when i
lose myself in the vertigo of an algorithmically generated structure such
as these, about the mind of a person.

i perhaps have an experience, but i cannot describe this experience as
empathetic or reflective.

i feel a little bit dizzy, and i will rest now -- convalesce from all the
vertigo of gameplay.

i think this was enough. playing gameplay (forever) for hours on end showed me something more.

playing a way to dance all alone for hours (while tweaking, while making) showed me something else.

i should not say "something less," but what, then?

on July 23, i purchased and began Splatoon Raiders, and i think that gameplay (forever)ing was some kind of extension of that, and although i played Splatoon Raiders together with friends i think that a way to dance all alone shows some fullest-extent of where this structure goes. i am a little sleepy, tired, but i will write one more post about structure before going to bed.

contrasted against gameplay (forever), a way to dance all alone is structurally so simple, so flimsy. playing it doesn't overwrite anything in my mind. there aren't any outside relationships there; the positions that appear in a way to dance all alone are no less poignant, but there's nothing to hold onto. there are no line numbers, level names, bookmarks that help me find my way back to these moments:

twirling three-quarters of the way around to zip away in the right direction

cutting straight through an open channel (it seems like a miracle, but it happens comfortably often)

cutting almost straight through an almost open channel, skimming this way and that

taking a hard right turn, a strict L-shape

all these situations with the white square there nearby, poised to strike, its exact timing not totally knowable to me but it's probably fine, right?

boiling red dots that might become squares

wanting but not quite succeeding at timing my movement to skate right through an active red block at the moment it slides into nothingness

i made a way to dance all alone for jack's avoidance jam which i believe was inspired by an angel dances in the sparks of a bonfire and perhaps brlka's subsequent blog post, designing avoiders.

my participation in this jam followed a personal experience with striving to get a very high score in gameplay (forever), which i could discuss in great detail and yet never enough detail: the way that i passed hours in deep meditation on seemingly infinite and yet deeply finite variations of block placement:

narrow chimneys like those in blood perforated by gaps, climbable by tumbling up alternating left-then-right walls when the gaps are small enough.

wide open spaces only momentarily as free as those in summer, faint aspirations of flight cut short by the reality of obstacles.

awkward trails of fruit like the coins in camp games -- curves i could follow were i only more perfect.

tiny little gaps to struggle to squeeze into like on the first screen of snow or in contribution or in other levels, but never quite in the designed ways of gameplay (killing), there's no time for such difficult impossible elaborate jump sequences, and no need when you can just brute-force your way through.

cleverly wrapping around again like in blood, spotting something impossible and moving through the slip.

endlessly climbing through narrow then open then narrow spaces again like in tower, tower, tower.

and pressure, like in digested.

there are answers to "what does kill gameplay mean?" that i have dismissed solely, perhaps, on the same basis: because they are not beautiful.

and, i have carried confidence "in spite of everything" that it is worth ruminating on.

it has been a couple years, and i don't understand the relationship of The End of Gameplay to "kill gameplay," but i sought a high score in gameplay (forever) (one of the levels in The End of Gameplay) and i am still not satisfied.

when i revisit gameplay (forever) every movement threatens to become perfect and beautiful and for brief shining moments i, as the bunny, glide smoothly through the air, i pick up all the fruits, i slip diagonally past all the poison, all the walls are climbable.

i listened to the recordings i took of the music of each level in the game on a bicycle ride just today (technically yesterday -- it is 1:27 AM at this moment), and i am still not satisfied.

i had a conversation with J yesterday (actual yesterday), and immediately after the conversation i felt a new sense of what The End of Gameplay was "really" about, and what Starseed Pilgrim was """really""" about, and it explained some things to me that i did not understand about why i have been so dissatisfied by Cruel World and my answers about it

there are a number of fluxus games that i don't understand intuitively. (most or all of them, even.)

McDonald's book reveals/revealed to me a number of ways of thinking about all of these confusing and strange games that goes beyond just some surface reaction of mystification.

i finished reading this chapter long ago (some months ago, i think?) and one of the passages that has stuck around in my mind is the quoted one above (p52) about Brecht's experience of his own puzzles: not as something he finishes and releases knowing, but something that he wonders about for a long time and even eventually finds an answer to.

i have also included McDonald's description of considering Ball Puzzle and, particularly, dismissing the viability of a solution due to some internal sense that the real answer must be more beautiful* ("the puzzle seems trivial, so that cannot be the solution").

*beautiful, above, used as a stand-in for some ever-shifting quality which will remain undefined, but in the specific context -- if the answer makes the puzzle trivial, then the answer must not be correct, because we have decided or determined that the puzzle must not be trivial. then, due to that internal determination, any answer that makes the puzzle trivial must by definition not have the certain quality (of beauty, which has no fixed meaning).

backlink: 3587(B) regarding "beauty" among "meaning", "pleasure", "play", and other self-effacing ends