TAROT

[droqen]

DAY 66. DEC 3. 11 AM
am i alienating people with all my "kill gameplay" nonsense?
suppose i am, is that a bad thing? how do i proceed, believing
in what i believe and yet still remaining connected to these old
connections? tarot, i would like another answer please & thanks
EIGHT OF PENTACLES

focused activity. getting things done. the art i made
features a lone craftsperson working on a singular,
gigantic pentacle, while seven others sit, on either
side of it, before and after. i suppose that i am ready
to read this as: shut up and get something done! i'm
amenable to this attitude. if i'm worried about what
my communications are doing, it isn't necessary to
keep doing it. i can put my head down and just work.

[droqen]

DAY 67. DEC 4. 10 AM.

am i getting sick? i feel tired today. i'm eager to blame the caffeine.
i need to put my head down and work... not because of yesterday's
card, even, but because there's work to be done! so how do i do it?
how do i make the time i need for the heads-down work? i'm ready.

KNIGHT OF CUPS

what in the hell does this guy mean for me?
maybe i'll look at my art again... take it easy.
how important is it to make time for all the
heads-down work? i think we're on a good
path, and it's fine for me to work on all the
stuff when it makes full intuitive sense, not
logical... if i'm tired, i shouldn't work on the
stuff i don't want to work on. pay attention
to my physical and my emotional response.

[droqen]

DAY 68. DEC 5. 8 AM.

looks like i've begun thinking about money again.
money! cash! let the numbers flow through bank
veins, through tubes, through my cyborg soul. is
there a future in which money makes any kind of
sense, or will i simply rely on others' assistance?

PAGE OF PENTACLES

this is so close to the advice given by the eight of pentacles--
but subtly different, too- while i'm marginally, borderline cap-
able of pentacle thinking, the page suggests meeting another
person... someone outside of myself? not even someone who
especially powerful at wielding the suit. just one who does it.

(or, the page could be me: money doesn't have to make sense,
i just have to work with it. i need to plan a bit. and work at it.)

[droqen]

five cards left. but i don't have any questions! i feel pretty good.

[droqen]

day 69. dec 6. 6 pm.

what do i do with all of the people
i know? is it enough to simply know
them and let come what may? or is
there another approach? it's scary,
relying on friends, and strangers—
am i here to help them or to help
myself? must i be responsible for
making the meaning i want in this
world? how loudly can i cry "help"?

what will happen if i ask for help?

the magician.

the magician! i've been awaiting you. your meaning is very powerful.
everyone that i know... is a choice, is a resource, is a source of power.
"you are powerful, create your inner world, and the outer will follow."

[droqen]

day 70. dec 7. 10:30 am.

i'm going to make a web page but a web page really ought to have a purpose.
i don't really have a purpose, do i? tarot, can you remind me of some purposes
which i might have had in mind and forgotten? give me somethin to work with.


justice.

justice... justice... my take on justice is very... particular.
i wanted to make a web page. what can i make a web
page do? just about anything, i suppose. i'll think on it.

[droqen]

DAY 71, DEC 10, 4 PM

i feel more & more at peace... making decisions feels easy.
should i be worried about this? i've been having thoughts
about how i shouldn't try to get good at things... instead i
can just do exactly what is necessary to do them well and
eventually it will become second nature, even if it feels a
little annoying to do it right the first few times. the effort
becomes automatic without even trying -- automatically.

anyway, the question. suppose i carry on this way. is it ok?

KING OF PENTACLES

perhaps the response is that the king of pentacles functions
in this manner. why not, eh? this king represents a generous
success-from-nothing. a flourishing kingdom. flourishing... it
happens all on its own, when i play the generous protector?

hm.

[droqen]

two cards left. after this, one card will remain. i feel good. i feel great! it's exciting. and, my god, this kill gameplay thing is going nuts. or it feels like it is, anyway. i just keep having thoughts, and thoughts, and thoughts. and they're organized. they make sense to me. what is happening? who am i?

[droqen]

DAY 72. DEC 11ish. 1 AM, after midnight.

i feel very certain of myself these days. kill gameplay is
a very weird thing to feel so suddenly centered about--
but, god, it is so nice to have something that creates for
me this island of peace. // it has attracted some strange
characters, and i've enforced my boundaries against the
strange outside forces in ways i haven't been willing to
do before. i just feel great. okay, it's tarot time. sorry, i'm
just writing a diary entry at this point hahaha. here it is.

i let strangers in a bit. it's like letting games in, just a bit.
i can tell what you are; you're a creature, trying to find a
foothold in my mind. as lantz would say,  i allow myself
to get hooked. then i get unhooked and i look back on it-
myself, the interaction, everything. i'm supposed to ask
a question now. i know what i get out of it: i deeply wish
to remain open and connected to the world. there is but
one alternative, and that is to disconnect myself, which i
think would be the wrong move. i will now finally ask it,
the usual question, or the usual pair of related questions:

what am i forgetting to think about?
what am i avoiding thinking about?


(note that i know for certain one of these cards is the three of wands)
(i don't know what it means, and i'm not sure what the other card is.)

ACE OF CUPS

REMEMBER TO PAY ATTENTION TO THE SOURCE OF EMOTION, THE FOUNTAIN

[droqen]

DAY 73. DEC 12. NOON.

i don't have a question. come forth and reveal thyself, three of wands.

THREE OF WANDS