the sublime terror of deciding

[droqen]

When I am making something that I really care about, every decision is quite terrifying.

This is not an insurmountable terror,
but it is terror, paralysing,

as I stand in the presence of a great behemoth of a thing on one side of which gleams
incredible beauty and on the other side of which lingers a deadly malignant emptiness.

[droqen]

It will not do, to face this great behemoth directly. I let it stand behind me.
I stand in its shadow, turning my head centidegrees to catch sight of that
beauty so bright it blinds.

Even this is enough to send a corrosive buzz from my back to my fingertips:
that itch to change, to destroy, to construct, to flatten, to simplify, do what-
ever it takes to conquer the terror that is confronting the truth of perfection.

When I am my best self I catch that one glimpse in the corner of my vision--
and turn forward again, giving myself one hour or one month or one decade
or whatever it takes to catch my breath again without resorting to blinding
that incredible sense of fear.

Even the possibility of true beauty
is like the sun in the sky. It gives life.
But still you protect yourself from it.