TAROT

[droqen]

DAY 36 - OCT 31 - 11 AM
"help; how can i possibly resist coffee and caffeination?"
SIX OF SWORDS
oh, you jerk. boo hoo, i'm leaving behind this stuff.
a bummer transition. "use your head," says the tarot.

"what will the response be to the paper-writing task
i've set myself, perhaps against the will of the group?
how can i approach it in a way that is totally respectful?"
SIX OF CUPS
this one leapt out of the deck, i like when that happens.
but wtf does it mean here? rather than childhood joy,
maybe it is the 'giving' part, i don't love the adult/child
connotation though. past/future plz
PAST
KNIGHT OF PENTACLES
boop. yep. that was the dreamt-of process. chip
away at this paper one section at a time. i remain
terrible at that approach. in part the outline was
all my fault though.
FUTURE
TEN OF SWORDS
fuck

[droqen]

okay, i'm totally expecting a clear answer from the 'opposing force' card, but let's draw one anyway. what's the thing that's getting in the way of the six of cups, which perhaps leads to the ten of swords? normally i would not continue on & on like this, i would just get to it, but this is helping me to arrive at a 'new card' to draw as well. however, the process is getting more difficult as i do more cards. i'm not even halfway, and here i've drawn four consecutive cards without a single new one to draw...

opposed by THE SUN, wtf? the six of cups and the sun seem so similar: i wonder, what is different about them that indicates opposition? the inverted sun has 'unrealistic expectations' as well as 'conceitedness'. sure, maybe the first one, applying to the past knight of pentacles....

i know how i feel about my course of action now and i was always going to do it anyway, but give me... idk, give me the Staff.

YOU: THE HERMIT (yeah. that's my plan.)
OUTER: NINE OF CUPS (whoa, huh. there's my card to draw... "your wishes will be coming true." that's the wishful thinking? it's a positive card. "Wishes here are meant to come true"... maybe it's the added pressure of the positive outcome spearheaded by I.S.)
i better finish.
HOPES/FEARS: QUEEN OF WANDS (whoa, yeah, this is about the spearheaded event) no wait the q-o-w is not the one i thought. she's the slightly selfish independent person. hmmm. i have a read on this but i won't post it.
FINAL OUTCOME: (please omg) TWO OF PENTACLES (weird. oh, that makes sense. i'm going to need to juggle more work in the future. as a result of this. yeah, that checks out.)

[droqen]

done the art.

[droqen]

day 37. nov 1. afternoon.

i had a question about a person, sort of. a topic, an interaction, a kind of creative relationship. i forget what the question was, but that's alright. it was about an emotional response to its ending. was i running away? am i running away? i got six tarot cards i've already seen, already have a relationship with. so there's no new card here, still. this continues to present problems.

central pivot
10wand VS ix the hermit
a burden opposed by introspection, successful and productive introspection, self-study. oh... the inverted hermit might be "returning to society," that would make sense. obligation vs returning to society....

horizontal axis
2pent -> .. -> 6wand
something that i was juggling happily, an imbalance, became a burden... in the future, i expect or hope for success, for praise, for a satisfied pride, for acknowledgement... perhaps i am carrying the burden, managing the imbalance happily, in hopes of success and praise? i wonder: am i motivated by pride? what shall i make of that?

vertical axis
Q of pent / .. / iv the emperor
this is the most interesting axis to me... i have continued to think about the vertical axis as "my consciously acknowledged idea of what the thing is" vs "my underlying unacknowledged reading of what the thing is." so in this case, i think the problem is a person (a healer, a homemaker? idk, this doesn't click as much, but it being a person does...), but it's more about diligence and rule-following and responsibility. rigidity. this all checks out very much.

[droqen]

i still require a new card. my process up to this point has worked for me, i guess. but starting now i'm going to bury all the cards that i drawn and deal the deck without re-shuffling. if i need to shuffle in order to do a reading then that's okay, i'll start from a full deck again. this is surely the 'wrong' way to use a tarot deck but i think it will be fine.

here we go! i want to know now
about instagram and pride, and
my plan to embrace the rougher
but more honest process. i got:
SEVEN OF CUPS

oh, this one looks like a bummer.

[droqen]

i'd like to focus on the differentiation between what is real and what is not. there are so many possible paths to take... that's what the seven of cups says, there are images, there are illusions. but what is real? i think what's real is just what gabe said: the kinopio screenshot that i took was the honest representation of the process, of the art. at first i thought the 'illusion' or 'dream' might be the idea that i should post raw stuff and see it succeed. but i don't actually care about it succeeding anyway. the only real path is the kinopio screenshots.

[droqen]

oops, my post got lost/deleted.
that's fine.

DAY 38 - NOV 2 - 11 PM
am i spending my energy correctly,
doing everything i like, social & lively?

[droqen]

NINE OF CUPS opposed by KNIGHT OF SWORDS

[droqen]

day 39. nov 3. 6:30 pm.
i'm low, low, low on energy today.
give me my energy back, please!
what tired me out? what can i do?
TEMPERANCE
ah... downtime. what else
can temperance mean?
moderation.
serenity.
harmony.

harmony?
am i missing harmony somewhere,
with something? opposed by card:
FOUR OF PENTACLES

ahhh. i know you! clinging to what i have, missing what might be out there. alright, so show me the past. and the future:

PAST: NINE OF SWORDS
fear, anxiety, despair, isolation. omg. temperance as follows this...

this is annoying, but i guess i can't draw my future. in case it's another new card. this is all i get!

[droqen]

the nine of swords was very simple, so i did another card. it's no better, but, it's a new one... oof...

FUTURE: THREE OF SWORDS

[droqen]

alright, what is it that i can take away from this reading?

i'm low, low, low on energy today.
give me my energy back, please!
what tired me out? what can i do?

nine of swords -> xiv temperance VS four of pentacles -> three of swords

-- the process of making two new cards, and socializing, and generally giving myself in to a process has re-energized me, which is its own kind of answer. harmony and balance and... calm. temperance is not the introspective aloneness of the hermit, but i think it might represent a different kind of peaceful aloneness. being opposed by the four of pentacles suggests to me that this sense of calm doesn't come from holding jealously on to what i have, suggesting i should still... somehow... pursue moments of calm while going outside of my comfort zone. leave my narrow spotlight.

-- the nine of swords in the past suggests that i've dwelt alone in fear of the future. that absolutely works with my reading of this 'open temperance'. and in the future, the three of swords... well... i asked what can i do about having low energy, and i suppose emotional grief, and pain, are not the opposite of being low on energy. Tina Gong writes for labyrinthos, "rejection, betrayal, hurt and discouragement. In moments like these, we are well served by the mind." . . . remember that the swords are the domain of the mind, the intellect.

-- open myself up calmly to the hurt of the world. sure, that gives me energy. perhaps low energy comes from this fear: fear of pain.

[droqen]

day 40. nov 4. 2 pm.

oh damn. day 40. that means we're more than halfway done. when did that happen? wtf? did i miscount? no, i guess not. okay, well, i've been drawing a shit ton of sword cards. i've been forcing them to come out because they weren't coming out the normal way... i'm sorry, tarot, for this grave mistreatment. i forgot about some things i had meant to do today. my energy levels wax and wane. i was going to ask about that, but i already asked about energy levels yesterday and i know what it said, i still remember what it said...

i have a big meeting coming up, i'm going to meet a bunch of people, then we're going to start work in earnest. i hope. ah, maybe i should ask about the gameplay part of the work: other people seem to like gameplay, seem to think of it as important. game-worlds... what do i want? yes, tarot, that's what i'm asking. what do i want?

THE DEVIL

[droqen]

is the devil how i feel about gameplay, or is it a bad thought that i find myself returning to & dwelling on? feelings of powerlessness and entrapment... i think that gameplay is a (bad) salve for these feelings, that's how i feel about it.

gameplay is the devil.

[droqen]

day 41. nov 5. 11 am.

i've reshuffled the deck as i gave a reading to a friend(?) and now i'm going to draw nothing but repeats. old friends.

the six of cups, my beloved return to childhood.
the star, a healing resurgent waterfall.
the seven of wands, defending one's position.

i drew these cards without anything much in mind. they slid out of the deck as i shuffled. they are good cards. i read this as defending all the energy that comes from this silly childlike attitude, but it's pretty aimless. and i'm forced to push through until i arrive at a 'new' card according to my process. am i pushing too hard?

i know that this is going to wind up drawing me unwarranted swords... i'm not feeling it right now. i'll do it tonight.

[droqen]

i've taken out every card that i recognize, i have myself a "new cards only" deck... this will allow me to draw simpler readings and not get bogged down in familiar faces! but a certain predominance will be very artificially induced. i'm not sure what to do about that!

well, let's ask my question. when caught up in others' emotions, i will try to detach. solve what can be solved. this is a very swords-like attitude, i suppose. what i am not thinking about? what am i forgetting to feel?

KNIGHT OF WANDS

when caught up in others' emotions... remember my knight of wands? or perhaps remember theirs? remind people that they would prefer to be in motion, too. when feeling is a blocker... feel the feeling, of course, but let's get you back in touch with your knight of wands. wave your banner of flame in the air!!! i like this reading, i like this reflection.