TAROT

[droqen]

day 42. nov 6. 6:20 pm.

i have got a conflict. two different things that i want to do. i think i know how to resolve it this time, maybe. this is a microcosm of problems to come. what will happen in the future when i have more conflicts? at some point i will have to choose one thing over another. help me prepare for this. how do i make these decisions? how do i communicate?

PAGE OF SWORDS

[droqen]

have my ideas and share them. cut. the page of swords is a duelist, i guess. casual.
am i too quick to react, and too quick to share my justifications? i'm not sure how to take this page of swords.
i said, "help me prepare for this," and i wonder how i can take this card as a hint about how i could better prepare.

remember i have lots of thoughts and ideas. open up and admit my page of swords like qualities.
maybe. that could be alright. if i have too many ideas, just choose one. give it a cut, go for it.
cut.

[droqen]

day 43. nov 7. 7:30 pm.

i had really better spend more time intentionally communicating. i'm getting better at calendar usage. a handle on the passage of time and scheduling. i do spent lots of time researching and experimenting -- reading, studying, writing. i wonder what to do with this. i am still making games... i am still thinking about games...

how should i go about doing these things that i love so much beyond games? will i even enjoy myself, or am i so videogame-brained?

maybe i'm planning to talk about this more in videogame spaces. ah, i'm so confused. so let's say i do that. reveal my weird future, tarot.

PAGE OF WANDS

[droqen]

i had a thought which was assisted by my new page of wands art:

the image of the tower brings to mind an idea locked up inside a structure. i want to remember... it is about the treasure, not the treasure chest (chests are rad though)

listening to the paint chase episode, frank asked "is it, though?" about the suggestion that a collection of all perfect gems of games would be a dystopia.

i felt that. there is a romanticization of record and book stores... but surely the purpose of art making is not to fill up a record or book store.

REMEMBER WHEN RETURNING TO ANY ART FORM TO THINK ABOUT THE PAGE OF WANDS, WHO GOES ON AN ADVENTURE TO A TALL TOWER -- A TALL TOWER CONTAINING SOMETHING.

what does art contain?

[droqen]

"what does art contain?"

i've been playing Divers and bummed out about it, so i drew a card to try and reflect on that. why should playing a game make me so sad, and yet also so invigorated?

DAY 44. NOV 8. 12:19.
FIVE OF CUPS.

[droqen]

i am noticing loss. my emotions are separating me from home, from the past. but is that really how i feel about divers? i guess it is twofold.

i think divers is simply not as well designed as my favourite games in the genre, but even were i to go back to those games, i would feel this gulf  between me and playing games. it's sad. here i stand on the other side of the river...

card art

i am definitely still dwelling on loss. i'm not sure what to do about feeling so disconnected from, and yet surrounded by, this entire medium. oh, perfect prompt for today's card, lol. let's go.

DAY 45. NOV 9. 11AM.
TEN OF CUPS

i don't know how to take this... i'll come back to it later, maybe figure something out.

[droqen]

"Take a moment and breathe, look around you and be thankful for all your blessings. This card signifies something that so many of us are searching for. . . . the Ten of Cups, which at its core about how true happiness stems from forging authentic bonds and connections with others. This card is most associated with a sense of 'happily ever after' - of family, of lasting harmony and peace."

[droqen]

i am grieving over a loss of games, i am grieving over divers, but i can use the ten of cups to reflect on a larger perspective -- a positive, as well as a different lens on the problem.

i played etrian odyssey alone on the bus every day on the way to school, and back again. i'm going to a new friend's smash bros party at his house... there will be lots of people there. authentic bonds and connections with others. when i played etrian odyssey, it was fundamentally a lonely experience, it was a very useful coping-with-loneliness mechanism.

was i driven to make games out of loneliness? then what will i do when i am no longer lonely?

~ a tweet of mine, from years ago.

i think one of my parents actually saw this tweet and reached out to me about it, haha. that was a funny feeling.

anyway.

here i am, i think, near the end of loneliness. yes, the very end of it. the ten of cups... reframes my disconnection with games as a genuine connection with people. i am thankful for what i've lost, even though i can still be sad about it. how funny.

[droqen]

moreover i can see—maybe—the social aspect better. what can games do to create a ten of cups like social environment? if i lose a personal (and to some degree isolating) relationship to games, that could open me up to different ones. i am not there yet, but i could work my way there.

[droqen]

Day 46, Nov 10, 2pm
On my mind... I'd like to get in motion. Begin action. But I'm lying here, I was intending to take a break today... Sunday, lol. I know, I just know I'm gonna be crazy busy all next week. How do I get myself to actually take a break and rest? What do people do on a break day? What should I do?
EIGHT OF CUPS

[droqen]

This is the case especially after being tired of living what was the day to day, and embarking on a journey that will help one have a deeper understanding about life in general.

Getting the upright side of this card shows that you are dissatisfied with your life and need to experience a higher purpose in life.

- Eight of Cups Meaning

card art done -- took about an hour. it's very low detail! i spent a long time getting various elements right. so, no regrets.
this art glamourizes the oubliette: descending into a hole to spend time exploring something, something far away from all the cups...
maybe i need to enjoy a little diving into impersonal systems, on sundays. can i let myself do that?

[droqen]

rather than look at this as a response to my question ("i could go find some interesting game to play," my brain shrugs), i found myself noticing, maybe i'm using this as an excuse to escape?

my right knee hurts a little bit but other than that i have all the energy i need. i'm having a good time. the eight of cups is a way for me to look at the impulse to take a break when i don't need one as an impulse to escape, to abandon. "searching for truth" is just the justification that one might use.

-my instagram post

[droqen]

DAY 47 - NOV 11 - 11 PM

seeking understanding. respect for creative process / results.
wanting to help others? to do something, to do something...
(i haven't sought earth-shattering change for a while have i?)
EXAT represents the entire field! i love that

q - my EXAT journey is sort of on hold... i'd like to focus more on it? but maybe i can't do it right now? i'm going to let it sit idle, a slow process. is there anything i'm forgetting to think about, or avoiding thinking about?

V THE HIEROPHANT

[droqen]

... i learned today that psychology and therapy are relatively new fields. but, something a hundred years old might be tradition enough for me to feel comforted by its hierophant-like stability. this card describes one of the motivations behind EXAT for me -- and part of it is education. this is one of those dead-obvious cards that tells me what i already know.

i don't mind. i like that stuff in readings. :)

[droqen]

day 48 nov 12 - 10:50 am
do i need more sleep?? how will i know if im pushing my body too hard??
life just feels so good and full right now.
can i really simply enjoy being extremely busy, and just letting things fall on me and on the horizon?
three of cups HELL YEA