a theory of coping

[droqen]

many times, i am working on a project and it stops dead in my heart.

[droqen]

"but why does it have to be this way?" i have almost stopped wondering. this is just something that happens. so i live with it.

[droqen]

it doesn't bode well for team projects, or commercial aspirations. in fact, these circumstances are even more likely to lead to it! but what "it"? i wonder why. it has happened many times... projects that die in my heart.

[droqen]

recently i thought of a theory; what if i consider myself as depressed, and these projects--constructed in just a way--are the vehicle which allows me to cope? depression... i've known lots of people afflicted by it throughout my life and never thought anything i was feeling was ever bad enough to want to do NOTHING, to completely disable me.

i could always work on a project, on the right sort of project. so how could i be! depressed, that is. i had just been distracted by a fun project--that's why i couldn't do anything else. it wasn't interesting enough.

[droqen]

to think about enjoying life as coping is frightening -- i don't do it lightly, or often, or completely. but as a lens it helps me to understand some things a little more.

"you're a creative,"

said someone to me today. i said (shouted) back, too late, that i was sure that they were a creative, too. through this lens, was i telling them they could, or should, use artmaking to cope?

[droqen]

there was a presentation today in which a school said they stood not only for the value of art's making to the artist, but also in art that puts us more in touch with our humanity... i didn't write down the exact phrase, but it was incredible to hear this, this position, sent right back to me.

these are the functions of art, the real functions of real art, the real good real stuff.

[droqen]

so then what was that about coping? is all of human connection coping? is making things that i love to make coping. is breathing coping. is eating. what does it mean, to cope?

to cope is to compromise. i will tell anyone who listens... i don't compromise. i don't see the point in it.

[droqen]

"don't compromise." is that really how i want to end this? no--let me bring it back to the beginning, to projects that stop dead in my heart.

coping... this lens of "coping," i'm not done with it, not done explaining it, or exploring it. coping.

sometimes a project stops dead in my heart, oftentimes when it gets hard. but what is hard? sometimes i work hard to get through blocks, and this hard work is almost effortless. but still, i call it hard because it takes a lot of time, a lot of effort, and involves failing many times.

other times the projects are hard, minisculely hard, but i begin to wonder and doubt! why am i doing this? why am i doing this?

these are the projects that die, the ones that have lost their purpose for me. i wonder if the forms of difficulty that are common causes might be united under the banner of disrupting this function, "coping."

sometimes a project stops being good for coping. i can't put my feelings into it... it doesn't help resolve those feelings. it's no longer a site for reflection.

i make things for a reason.